You know how in those premarital counseling sessions, you talk about if you want kids at all and if you do, how many, how (birth vs. foster vs. adoption etc), and when? Obviously the questions start to get answered if you get pregnant and a little one shows up. And don’t get me wrong, we love her to pieces, but there are definitely times that are more trying than others. And she’s only been out in the world for 50 days! Don’t worry, I did have to stop and multiply weeks times 7 then add the number of days plus…I’m not that crazy. And it’s cool if you are one of those people that keeps track; I’m just not one of them.
Anyways, with how exhausting these first weeks have been with just regular I-just-pushed-a-human-being-through-a-very-small-space recovery stuff coupled with normal newborn activities like waking in the night to feed and having numerous diapers to change each day, it can be really easy to wonder when you’d want to do this all over again.
It’s funny how a baby’s scream sounds so much like they’re saying, “MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!” as they open their mouth and wail. I wish for all the world I could fix whatever problem was making her so upset and sometimes breathless with that screaming. And she’s yelling my name to boot. At least that’s what I hear anyway.
It’s at times like this, when I’ve tried
feeding her (won’t eat),
changing her (bum’s dry and clean),
rocking her (’til I wish I could fall asleep),
walking her (one can only wear an Ergo so long),
swaddling her super close to my body like all the books say (my Moby Wrap gets a workout),
swaddling her tight and putting her in the swing (works for about 2 minutes),
or just letting her lay on the floor and scream her heart out, I wonder if I have it in me to have another one of these. And let’s not even get started with what happens when we’ve both tried everything. The two of us together when we’re totally tired out from a Serafina cry fest look at each other and wonder how people have more than one child.
But then they look at you with those adoring eyes or they snuggle in close with their warm little body and you can’t imagine what life would be like without them. And you look back on a truly difficult day and realize that you prayed the entire time and can totally see why the Bible tells us to pray without ceasing.
It’s in these moments – WHEN NOTHING WORKS – that God is always working. On her, on me, on Ben. But especially on me.
And that’s why I’m excited to learn all I can in raising Serafina and why I’m excited to have another one (no, this is NOT a pregnancy announcement). If God decides we only get to have one child of our own and foster or adopt the rest, great. But there will be more Zupkes; I know that much. I don’t know when or how but I do know that God has taught me so much even in these first 50 days, I can’t imagine what He’ll continue to do in and through me the rest of my life as a mom.
P.S. I’ve been off dairy now for a week and a half and the projectile vomiting has stopped. Not the crying but at least the really bad stuff is gone. Continued prayers for patience (I LOVE dairy products and miss them dearly) and creativity in menu planning would be most appreciated!!!